I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
