I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
