Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
