he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
