but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize