So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
A+ Viking dick
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
