It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
