yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
