Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
