i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Randomize
