He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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