Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just gargled with NyQuil
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
