I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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