i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
