watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
