Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
