I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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