we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
PANTIES FOUND
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
