i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
