You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
