There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
