FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize