My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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