i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
