I want to walk on stilts...naked
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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