I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
