I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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