Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
