You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
