remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
