what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
There's always time for handjobs
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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