Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
