your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
