Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
