pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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