I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
