She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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