I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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