my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
