Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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