i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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