my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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