What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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