I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
