I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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