Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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