I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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