Im at strip club and am horny
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize