I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize