TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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