Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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