He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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