So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
