I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We left the knife in your bed.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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