Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
