you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
