OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize