I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
