its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
