Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
