Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
