they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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