I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I need to align my fucking chakras
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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